想做的事很多，但有幾件事情從來沒有這麼讓我想達成過。 今天先來談第一件事情。 So many things I would like to archieve, but there's a few that make my desired overflowed. Here is the first one.
前言 // Catalyst
最近在與伴侶談心時，我十分感激她總是用各樣的方式想聽到我的心聲，從來沒有人如此在乎我過。她卻告訴我她以前也沒有人這樣關心她。我驚訝於她怎麼能跳脫出這樣的漩渦，她只告訴我：「因為我很想改變」。
同時，我也在閱讀一本叫做《你就是困住自己的那座山》的書。書中有一句話深深擊中我心：
唯有釋放對舊生活的眷戀，我們才能夠做好準備，真心而真誠地見證自己的改變。
我意識到之所以仍處於不滿意的生活中，頭 2 顆絆腳石就是對現有生活的眷戀、對改變的害怕：
- 下班回家馬上休息、耍廢很舒服；
- 如果我改變了，不確定會比現在還舒服。
但如果我什麼都不做的話，我只會繼續活在不滿意中。
My girlfriend and I had a deep talk recently. I was appreciating that she always try so hard just wanna know my mind. I told her that no one has ever done this to me before. She said, "There was no one did that to her, either." It simply hit me -- How powerful and how determined she is, so she could escape the loop. She replied: "Because I really want to change."
On the same time, I'm reading a book named "The Mountain is You" and there is a line that hit me deeply:
Only by letting go of our attachment to our old life can we truly be ready to witness our own transformation with honesty and sincerity.
Suddenly, I realized that there're 2 stumbling blocks make me still trap in a dissatisfying life:
- Feeling comfortable by doom scrolling after work
- Afraid to make a chance just because I'm not sure I would get much more comfortable if I make a change
However, if I keep doing nothing different then I'll keep living in this kind of life forever.
我該怎麼做呢？ // What should I do to make a change?
我想達成的只有 2 個：Better、Man。 Two goals are what I want to achieve: be better and be much more manly.
1. Better
我想謹慎一點。因為「我能變得更好」，其實是「我不夠好的」同義詞。避免無限上綱，反而造成自己累死、彈性疲乏，我想要的 Better 是有邊界，而且它會是一條浮動的界線——取決於我精神外溢的多寡。 最好的判斷方式就是做每一件事前，問自己是否真心想做？又或者問自己沒有獎勵時，自己還會做嗎？
我想要的「更好」很小，接下來一個月想先專心在讓我與伴侶的感情上。主軸其實就 2 個：
- 盡力過好在一起的當下
- 慢慢找出那些舊有生活的眷戀，打破它們 -> 進化
Before I talk about "Better", I wanna point out that the quote "I could be better" is same as "I'm not good enough". To avoid chasing better till' I overwhelmed and burnout, "Better" needs boundary. For me, this boundary is flexible -- depending on how much my spirit spills over. A good way to figure it out is by asking yourself "Do I really wanna do it by free and no rewards?"
I’m not chasing some dramatic version of "Better". For the next month, I just want to pour my attention on one thing: my relationship. At its core, there are only two things that really matter to me:
- doing my best to be fully present when we’re together;
- slowly uncovering the ways I’m still attached to my old life, breaking them down, and evolving beyond them.
2. Man
我想要變得更有自信，這種感覺我認為才是真正的「Man」。 我所尋覓的信心不來自於外在，而是來自於自己。我相信透過運動、打造自己的 side projects、一步一步朝著自己的目標邁進，這些由內而生的行為會讓我產生更多成就感，而這些成就感會滋養我，就像是一個成長飛輪一樣。
I wanna be much much much more confident than I am right now. I think how much confidence you have, decide how "Man" you are. The confidence I'm seeking is not come from others, it's from inner self. Through exercise, building my own side projects, and moving toward my goals step by step, I believe these actions that grow from within will give me a stronger sense of accomplishment. And that sense of accomplishment will nourish me, like a personal growth flywheel.
尾聲 // Epilogue
當我昨晚開始產生一點思緒時，神奇的事情發生了：我今天早上是充滿期待的起來！這讓我對一個月後的我更感興趣、更期待了！
When some thoughts began to form last night, something magical happened: I woke up this morning genuinely excited. It made me even more curious about—and excited for—the version of myself one month from now.